Beauty is not just skin deep when someone has injections into her buttocks to make them curvier.

A woman in Miami, Florida, wanted to work at a nightclub, according to an AP story. She thought she needed more butt. So she looked around for someone who could make it so with plastic surgery. Cheap.

Police say what she found was a man posing as a woman posing as a doctor. And what the fake doctor did was fill her buttocks with cement, mineral oil and flat-tire sealant. So the sealant would have given her bulk while the cement would have given her firmness? And the mineral oil? Can’t you just imagine it sloshing around the flat tire sealant and the cement?

She paid $700 for a series of injections in several places around her bottom to pump in the toxic concoction.

When the pain became too intense, the imposter doctor told the victim, “Don’t worry. You’ll be just fine. We just keep injecting you with the stuff and it all works itself out.”

“Lordamercy!” my sweet little mother-in-law would have exclaimed, throwing her apron over her head and laughing until she cried.

The injectee wasn’t laughing. Her mother finally took her to a hospital to treat severe abdominal pain, infected sores and flu-like symptoms. Doctors alerted the Department of Health and the suspect – who police say was born a man and identified as a woman – was eventually arrested and charged with practicing medicine without a license with serious bodily injury.

The phony 30-year-old doctor apparently had performed the same surgery on her/himself and may have victimized others.

At the time the story was reported, the victim was still recovering. And facing the medical bills.

I looked up 112 references to beauty and this one by Francis Bacon in 1625 seems appropriate for the woman with a concrete and tire sealant butt: “There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.”

A second bizarre story was the man in Texas who attacked a 57-year-old woman with a frozen armadillo.

(Disclosure. I hate, loathe and detest armadillos who nightly dig up my yard.)

But on with the story. The suspect was reportedly selling the carcass to the victim, who was planning to eat the animal and allegedly had been storing it in her freezer.

Apparently they started arguing over how much she was going to pay and she must have offered way under going price for frozen armadillo because the man threw the armadillo at her. Twice. The first hit her in the leg; the second in the chest. Dallas 4 News reported she was bruised by the attack.

So what’s the connection between a woman in Florida who gets concrete pumped into her buttocks and the woman in Texas who gets slammed with a frozen armadillo?

Kipling knew. He wrote, “I’ve never seen a Jaguar, Nor yet an Armadill...and I s’pose I never will,” and then he wrote, “I keep six honest serving-men (they taught me all I knew); Their names are What and Why and When and How and Where and Who.”

That’s the connection. The woman-who-would-be-better-butted and the woman-who-would-eat-armadillo didn’t first ask the basic questions every journalist, along with Kipling, knows to ask: What, Why, When, How, Where and Who.

— Mary McClure lives in Lawton.

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