I was poking around under the counter-top TV with a metal ruler, looking for a list of telephone numbers but what I fished out was a slick brochure with this headline: “True cause of aging and memory loss pinpointed.”
“Breakthrough” it screamed in big letters. “Scientists develop formula that dramatically slows aging, improves health, restores energy.”
There was a full-page photo of a woman’s face. Half of her face was smooth, glowing, youthful. The other half was wrinkled, sagging, dull.
When I opened the brochure, there was this scary warning in red letters: “Age spots on your skin signal that a brown slime is forming on the neurons of your brain.”
“Good Lord,” I said, horrified, and I read it out loud: “Age spots on your skin signal that a brown slime is forming on the neurons of your brain.”
Age spots I know about. Age spots I’ve got. I started counting the ones I could see but after a dozen, I stopped counting. A dozen age spots equated a dozen patches of brown slime on my brain. And what the brown slime does is make you senile. You can’t remember anything, you’re confused, you can’t manage your own money and will certainly be taken advantage of.
Already I could imagine the brown slime creeping over my neurons like scum on the pond in the pasture. I felt like a character in a one-and-a- half- star science fiction movie: “The woman with the brown-slime brain.”
But not to worry. The folks that mailed me this brochure providentially have a cure.
Amazingly, not only will their cure prevent the dreaded brown slime, it will improve eyesight, reduce unattractive cellulite dimples on legs and behinds, eliminate chronic fatigue, joint pain and gray hair, counteract depression, anxiety and diminished sex drive, reduce days of sickness, let you live 25 percent longer and make your wisdom teeth come back in.
I’ll pass on the wisdom teeth but the rest sound pretty interesting.
There was a wonderful photo of a 79-year-old man with the muscular physique of a twenty-something body builder. There were three pages of testimony from satisfied customers.
And, luckily, this amazing cure is available without a prescription. You can order it, straight from Toronto, Canada for only 30 bucks for a month’s supply.
Not much to ask for more energy, darker hair, softer skin, relief of asthma, reduction of cellulite, improved memory not to mention sex life and, best of all, no more brown slime on the brain.
I tried to figure out how long this brochure had been hidden under the TV and estimated six months.
Six months! By now I could have looked like the young side of the woman on the front page. Even that eye was bluer than the one on her “old” side.
Then I had another thought. What if I took the pills for six months and I looked like the woman on the cover: Half old, half young?
I shoved the brochure back under the TV.
I guess I’ll think about it for awhile.”
Mary McClure lives in Lawton.